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The shades of gray make this beautiful and provide all the details. The reality here isn’t just the black and white colors.
In addressing our thought, feeling, behavior connection, one of the greatest cognitive distortions (thoughts) that leads to emotional or mental stress, anxiety, or depression is that of all or nothing (or black and white) thinking. This distortion is particularly prevalent with each of us, and if you pause to listen to those around you, you will hear this distortion an unbelievable amount of times. There are very few things that are truly black and white in life (although we attempt to make a lot of things this way that aren’t really that way), so when we categorize things into “either this or that” with no middle ground, we set ourselves (or others) up for failure or make something seemingly impossible. If our performance (or others performance) falls short of perfect, then it’s a total failure. This distortion is EXTREME, is not accurate in portraying reality, and causes a great deal of stress and frustration with ourselves and our relationships.
- All or nothing examples: Always, never, everyone, no one, all the time, none of the time, either this or that, absolute words, completely, absolutely, ruined, impossible, catastrophizing words
- Shades of gray examples: sometimes, often, frequently, much of the time, many, few, and middle of the ground types of words.
Examples:
- “I’m always making a mess of everything” becomes “I make mistakes sometimes but I do get it right frequently as well”. (this is balanced and reality)
- “everyone has great friends but me” becomes “it may seem like many others have great friends but I can only see from the outside” (unless you’ve surveyed EVERYONE, you cannot make this statement)
- “I’m a complete failure at math” becomes “Math is not a strong subject for me and I struggle with it. However, I am strong in many other areas, and my lack of abilities in math doesn’t define me”. (We are not a complete failure because we struggle in a specific area).
The more our thinking is polarized and extreme, the more our mood gets depressed and/or our anxiety increases. All or nothing thinking is not balanced, is not very healthy, and is not accurate according to reality. This type of distortion is often irrational, and serves to rile us up more than anything else.
I’ll be honest. Having heard this type of thought pattern from most people around me from the time I first started hearing, this has been a part of my thought pattern (that’s how social modeling works!). Because of this, it is really difficult for me, and for each of my clients I’ve seen thus far, and I’m guessing for you as well, to start to change this. It is SO prevalent in our society, and it is very easy to fall into this trap. However, to be happy, we need to decrease the amount of black and white words we used, and take a more balanced “shades of gray” approach to things. The shades of gray is where the beauty, creativity, fun, and reality of life is. Without the shades of gray it’s a confusing, harsh, and unrealistic world.
To work on changing this type of thinking, gain awareness of the warning words as you use them. Challenge these and change them. Practice changing them through the Thought Record or the REBT self help form. And remember- you don’t have to do this alone! Recruit your family, friends, and co-workers to join in so you can all catch each other and encourage one another as you try to get your language and thought patterns to a healthier place!
Now it’s your turn to share! What makes it so easy to use all or nothing thinking? How might an aspect of your life change if you decreased your usage of black and white thinking?
Starting out as Decoration Day, people spent the day remembering the veterans of the Civil War, and a day to decorate the graves of those fallen soldiers. Today, while we tend to celebrate a three day weekend with picnics, BBQs, and time at the lake, it is ultimately a day to remember those who have scarified throughout the years for our freedom. Please don’t take that sacrifice lightly.
Thank you to all of those who have chosen to serve in our military, and thank you to the family members of those who serve as well. For ways to support our veterans, active military members, and their families, click here.
Happy Thursday and happy day of being thankful! Here’s a few things I’m feeling thankful for right now:
I’m thankful that the Air Force gave my brother a few days off! He’s in a training program right now, and they finished one part a bit ahead of schedule so he’s able to come home for a few days. It’s so fun to have him here!! Having a brother who lives across the country from me isn’t so fun, but we communicate really frequently and are still close. I’m so happy for this surprise of a few days!
I’m thankful for a summer vacation. One of my jobs is nine months of the year, and this is my first week of “summer vacation” from that. I still have lots of work to do for my second job, but it’s a lot more flexible so I can travel and see friends and family a bit. Plus I have more free time to be outside and enjoy the nice weather! I’m thankful that I’m an adult who still gets the summer “off” 🙂
I’m thankful for laughter. Stop for a minute and imagine a life where you never get to laugh or be around someone who is laughing again. It’s sad, right? This is another simple pleasure in life that I don’t think about very often. I’m really thankful that humans have the ability to laugh and feel the joy that comes along with a funny story or memory.
I’m thankful for long days of sunshine. It’s light until after 9 pm now, and every night I get excited when I see the light outside. Part of my living in the moment goal means that I pause as I go about my evening to appreciate the light and the beautiful sunsets. Also- there’s something really beautiful about the sunlight that occurs right before sunset in the summer. It’s golden and absolutely beautiful.
I’m thankful that I have curly hair. I know people say that we always want what we don’t have, but it’s not true in this case. In 2005 I had a friend who had cancer and lost his hair, and in that moment I decided to never wish I had different hair again. Yes, I can’t get my hair to be shiny and smooth, and sometimes that would be nice. But overall I like that my hair is curly and bouncy and different.
Now it’s your turn to share! What are you feeling thankful for today? Is there a feature of your body that you really like?
When I found out I would be heading to NYC for work, I immediately knew that I wanted to see the 9/11 Memorial. My time at the memorial was really emotional and moving, and I think I will forever remember the details of my time there like I remember the details of those first days in 2001.
One of my favorite parts of the 9/11 memorial was seeing the survivor tree:
The survivor tree with the new World Trade Center behind it (4/2012)
The Survivor Tree is a Callery Pear tree, and it has a pretty amazing story. From a notecard enclosed with the wall hang below, this is the story: “The tree was originally planted at the world trade center complex in the 1970’s. It was discovered in the rubble weeks after the 9/11 attacks with snapped roots and a blackened trunk. It was taken to the Arthur Ross Nursery in van Cortlandt Park in The Bronx and nursed back to health. It was 8 feet tall at the time of the attacks and now stands 35 feet tall. It was replanted at the site on 12/22/2010. The tree symbolizes the city and country’s resilience“.
Resilience. I love the concept and felt like it was so important that I measured scores of resiliency as part of my thesis for my master’s program. Resiliency- the ability to overcome or bounce back to original form. This tree for me will always be a picture of what resiliency is.
As a counselor, too, this tree spoke volumes to me. This is what I want for my clients, friends, family, and myself. I ended up getting a necklace that was a smaller branch from the tree (metal leaves and small pearls for the flowers). I love wearing it because every time I see it in the mirror or feel it around my neck it’s another reminder of the great resiliency that we as people hold within us (and which I have the opportunity to help people develop in their lives!). I also got this little wall hang:
This sits right next to my closet so it’s one of the first things I see in the morning. Again, it’s a regular reminder of resiliency and what I strive for in my job every day.
When I think about my time in NYC, I had so much fun and really did enjoy everything I did and saw. However, this is the first thing I think about and the most powerful memory: the beautiful resiliency that we possess.
When people ask me how my last half marathon went, I usually say “Oh– that’s a complicated question”. It’s complicated, in short, because it was painful and probably the toughest race I’ve ever run. I trained for a better race, but it just wasn’t my day. But I say that despite the pain, I think I’ll look back on the race and feel very thankful that I had it because I learned so many great lessons. I’m sure there are lessons in this race that I have yet to learn, but being a two and a half weeks out I’ve spent a good amount of time processing these lessons.
I learned that strength training has a lot of value in running. I lifted 1-2 times a week (I joined Best Body Bootcamp half way through training) and did Pilates 1-2 times a week too. A few days before my half marathon I was watching Spirit of the Marathon, and towards the end Denna Kastor (medalist at the 2004 Olympic Marathon) is pushing to the end. The commentators tell the viewer to look at her upper body; her legs are shot and she’s using her core and arms to finish (she eventually won that marathon). Around mile 9 of my half marathon I remembered that part of the documentary, and I thought “well- my legs might be shot and cramping, but I’ve been lifting and doing pilates for a reason, and I can use my arms and core to finish this race”. For four miles I had my core engaged pilates-style and was using all the muscles I’ve developed the last few months to push myself along through my leg cramps. I’m fairly certain that if my leg cramps had occurred the way they did during my first two half marathons (when I wasn’t lifting or doing pilates regularly) I wouldn’t have been able to finish. I’m thankful that I had developed other muscles I could recruit to get me through.
I learned that I am capable of more physically than I thought I was. If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, you know that I get injured really easily running. I have gone into every half marathon wondering if I’ll be able to finish because of some nagging pain. I learned that, even in the face of pain, I can push through and keep going. Yes, it’s really not comfortable (I wanted to cry for over an hour but refused to even sit down or allow myself that break), but I can survive it. It was a great lesson to learn.
I learned that I am much stronger than I was even a few months ago. I alluded to this above, but I don’t think I would’ve been able to finish this same race last May or even during my second half in November. The strength and perseverance over these last months of training have been critical, and it took almost all of what I had to finish this race. It’s good to see progress even in a race that wasn’t my best.
I learned that doing physical therapy can be an important part of training. After my IT band flare up less than a month before my half marathon in November, I vowed to focus on physical therapy exercises in my off months. Even once I started to train I continued to do these exercises once or twice a week. While my IT band still flares from time to time, this was not a pain that I really felt in this half marathon. It was great to see that my PT has paid off! And yes- I am planning to continue to do these exercises weekly.
I learned that our success cannot be determined simply by the time we cross the finish line. Ok, I did know this before, but this race was a good reminder of this fact. I think it was successful that I kept running over over an hour with my legs really cramping. I think it was successful that I managed to cut 12 minutes off my course time (even though it wasn’t a PR). I think it’s successful in that I had the chance to push myself in ways that I’ve never been able to before.
I learned that what makes a race great is different for every person. This very much goes along with the point I made above about success. Partly because I have POTS and partly because I’m a counselor, I’ve wanted to keep a healthy mental view of my running. This means that while I definitely look at numbers and pour over them at times, I don’t define the greatness of a race by these things. Great comes in all sorts of forms, not just numbers.
I learned that lessons learned from running can be applied to most areas of life. Delayed gratification, endurance and perseverance, putting away the need for comfort in order to succeed in a goal, and learning to deal with pain are all lessons that are critical for being healthy and balanced in life. Running, and especially this race, is a great reminder of these things.
So, I’ll end in the way that I started. When we think of a successful race, we tend to only think about our finish time, if we met our goals, and if we’ve PR’d. This race showed me that a race is so much more than the clock time at the end, and there are a lot of components that go into making a race successful. Yes, I’m still disappointed that my legs cramped up and that I didn’t run my best on the 4th. But I’m thankful for this race because of the lessons I learned and the strength I saw in myself.
Now it’s your turn to share: What are some of the lessons you’ve learned from racing?
Recently I’ve been talking about the connection between our thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as sharing two forms (the REBT self help form & The Thought Record) that are helpful in reframing negative thought patterns. Today I’m going to talk about one of my favorite cognitive distortions: Catastrophizing!
In short, catastrophizing is making something or someone into the worst possible outcome (blowing things extremely out of proportion), which creates stress and anxiety. This distortion can also lead to us identifying a situation as unbearable when, in fact, it is simply frustrating and uncomfortable. It can be present focused, but is often future focused and causes us to want to quit (or we feel helpless) in the present moment. This distortion can completely change our entire outlook on life, whether it’s ourselves, a situation, or someone else.
While each of us will do this occasionally, some use this distortion far more frequently than others. Here are a few key words to look for: It doesn’t matter, no matter what, horrible, terrible, miserable, intolerable, un-survivable, intolerable, the worst thing ever and phrases that encompass these ideas. Be honest with yourself, though. How many of these things that we catastrophize about really are horrible, miserable, or unsurvivable? If I say that doing dishes is miserable, then what words do I have to use when I’m grieving the death of a friend? Furthermore- will I be at all happy or content with things if I’m catatrophizing? Probably not. We make our lives much more difficult for ourselves when we use these words and phrases. Instead, focus on more realistic words like the following: unfortunate, uncomfortable, less than ideal, frustrating, tolerable, unpleasant, and phrases that encompass these ideas.
Once we recognize that we are catastrophizing, it’s time to challenge and change (restructure) these thoughts. Let’s walk through an example of how to do this:
“I hate doing the dishes- it’s just a miserable chore” changes to “I don’t like doing the dishes- it’s unpleasant but tolerable.”
“I know I’m going to do a terrible job in the presentation for work. I always botch things like this” changes to “I may not do a perfect job on this presentation but I an everyone else around me is fallible. I’ll prepare the best I can and that is all I can do”.
“I can’t believe I made that rude comment to my friend. I’m sure she hates me now and wants to end our friendship” becomes “I can’t believe I made that rude comment to my friend. It was a stupid mistake and I will apologize and hope that she can hear me out.”
As I’ve said before in previous posts, the goal isn’t to make things sound perfect. It’s about being honest, realistic, and balanced in our thought patterns while putting positive statements about ourselves and others into our vocabulary.
To think about: How does catastrophizing affect your behaviors and relationships with others? How might your life improve if you decreased the number of catastrophizing words that you use? What do you gain from catastrophizing? (attention? sympathy? feeling like that’s the only way that someone will believe you?) How does catastrophizing hold you back from being your best?
I still haven’t run due to my ankle, but I have plans to try it out really soon and see how it feels. Because of that, heavy cardio has been difficult this week, but I’ve done what I can to try to balance everything out. This coming week starts my summer work schedule, so my exercise schedule changes a bit too. Here’s what this last week of workouts looked like:
- Sunday: 1 hour pilates
- Monday: 2.25 mile walk, Best Body Bootcamp Workout A
- Tuesday: 4.4 mile walk
- Wednesday: 2 mile walk
- Thursday: Best Body Bootcamp Workout C
- Friday: 2.48 mile walk
- Saturday: 12.41 mile bike
My bike yesterday was the first time I took my bike out on the road since before Thanksgiving, so it felt really great to actually be on the road and not on the stationary bike in the gym.
Now it’s your turn to share! Does your summer work schedule change at all?
Happy Thursday! Are you all ready to get thankful today? I sure am, so let’s get started:
I’m thankful I randomly decided to watch The Proposal this past weekend. I got this movie back in 2009 when it came out on DVD, and have watched it many times since then. Yes, it’s not a fantastic work of art, but I think it’s hilarious! I hadn’t seen it in a year, and this past weekend I randomly pulled it off the shelf and decided to watch it. I kept laughing through the entire movie. Sometimes you just need to sit and laugh for a few hours, and this movie did the trick!
I’m thankful for Starbucks half price frappuccino happy hour. It’s such a fun time, isn’t it? I tend to not buy the “fancy drinks” when I go to starbucks because it’s just so expensive. Having to pay for soy milk because of lactose intolerance makes it even more pricy. So when they have great deals like this going on, I definitely take advantage of it! After work last Friday I waited in the drive through line for 15 minutes for my mocha cookie crumble frap (and it was worth the wait)! Also- random, I know, but doesn’t the word “frappuccino” look weird? I even googled it because it looked like it was spelled incorrectly.
I’m thankful for pilates. This kept me flexible throughout my last training cycle, as well as helped me recover after my half marathon. I’m looking forward to a summer of extra pilates classes, and I’m excited to take my practice to the next level.
I’m thankful for four great years at my current job. Today I finished my fourth year at my current job, and I love it even more now than I did four years ago. I guess that’s a sign that I just fit with that job. I’m thankful that this job also allows some time off in the summer!
I’m thankful for glasses. Again, this is something that I use every day and almost never think about as being something that I might be thankful for. However, as I pause to type this, I recognize what a huge blessing having glasses actually is. I know that for hundreds and hundreds of years people didn’t have them, and even today there are plenty of people who need glasses who have no way to actually get them. I’m so thankful that every morning I can, without thinking, put my glasses on and go about my day.
I’m thankful that I get to participate in another triathlon! I’m excited to get back in the pool and on the bike as I begin to train soon!
Now it’s your turn to share! What are you feeling thankful for today? Is there something you use regularly that, when you stop and think about it, really makes your quality of life much better?
Zola sent a cute little package with a few drinks and some sunglasses! Happy Summer:)
I felt a little weird about drinking coconut water with pulp, and really had no idea what to expect. I decided to drink that one first to “get it out of the way”. I had spent 5 o 6 hours spring cleaning, and was anxious for a refreshing drink. I popped open the can and took a sip. The pulp in the drink actually turned out to be small-ish chunks of coconut. The first few times I took a drink it was a little weird, but once I got used to the chunks I actually really enjoyed it! It felt a little more smoothie like (and actually would have worked very well as a base for a smoothie as well!) as I drank it, and I loved it! I drank the original flavored can of coconut water after my last run before my half marathon! It was a hot day and I had to pack after the run. The coconut water was cool and refreshing, and was the perfect drink on which to end a training cycle.
I was also sent a bottle of original Acai juice to try. The juice had a tiny bit of grit to it, but it was hardly noticeable. I love acai flavored drinks, so I was excited to try out this juice. I really did enjoy the juice, but have to say that the coconut water was my favorite part of this package. Coconut water is a great post-exercise drink, especially leading up to these warm summer months! Plus, who doesn’t love a taste of the tropics in the summer?
Now it’s your turn to share! Have you ever tried Coconut water or Acai Juice before? What’s your favorite flavor of coconut water?
Disclosure: I was provided these three drinks free of charge from Zola Water in exchange for a review. No other form of compensation was given. All thoughts are my own.
Last June I announced that I would be training for my first triathlon. At that point I hadn’t been on a road bike in a decade, so I was a little nervous how training would go. I ended up really loving the training that I did, and had a great time in my first sprint triathlon!
Well- I’m very happy to say that I’m about to start training for my second triathlon that will be taking place in June! I actually registered for this one back at the beginning of February, and I’ve been waiting until after my half marathon to start training! This will also be a sprint distance. I really wanted to do an olympic this summer, but knew I couldn’t train up for it in a month (which is about what I’m going to have to do for this triathlon). I decided to do the sprint and have fun with it (and maybe beat my time from last August!).
I’m excited to get back to biking on the road (I haven’t been on anything but a stationary bike since right before Thanksgiving!) and swimming (I’ve only done laps once in 2013!). Summer provides a very different set of workouts, and I’m excited for brick workouts and two a days in preparation for the tri!
Now it’s your turn to share! How do your workouts change in the summer? Have you ever done or wanted to do a triathlon?